


How to Destroy a Castle (And Get Away With It)

by TeachUsSomethingPlease



Series: A Hat Dumps the Universe on Its Head [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Marauders, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Resurrection, They Sold Peter to the Devil Apparently, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:22:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26338705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeachUsSomethingPlease/pseuds/TeachUsSomethingPlease
Summary: Based off the meme/incorrect quote/headcanon where the Marauders are 'one man short' and find their fourth man in a recently deceased Fred.Fast forward 17 years (17? 16? I can't count, y'know) and Auror Peccancy is a modern Umbridge, an new addition since the Ministry gave Kingsley the boot.Meanwhile, the consequences of accidentally dooming Peter to the Devil come into play.Oh, Merlin almighty.
Relationships: Angelina Johnson/George Weasley, Fred Weasley & Fred Weasley II, Fred Weasley & George Weasley, Fred Weasley & Molly Weasley II, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, James Sirius Potter & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & Teddy Lupin & Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Seamus Finnigan/Dean Thomas, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & James Potter, Teddy Lupin/Victoire Weasley
Series: A Hat Dumps the Universe on Its Head [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904803
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40





	How to Destroy a Castle (And Get Away With It)

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Harry Potter.

"Ugh…"

The young man's eyes fluttered open, staring into a brightness, and he hurriedly shut them again. The glare was murder on his head. Tilting his head to the side, he slowly opened them again, relieved to find the lighting was, from the side, a little less harsh. Though the view wasn't much better. Everything was white – everything, from the sky to the ground to the air. Shaking his head slightly to clear it, he slowly pushed himself upright. Nope – still white.

He looked down at himself and yelped in shock, reflexively calling out a name in indignation. But he was alone, and as he glanced about his eyes cast upon a set of robes on the ground. Scrambling over, he pulled them on – there was, he reasoned, nobody visibly about, but people, if he was anything to go by, could be nasty, sneaky buggers when they wanted to. It wasn't until he was properly dressed that it occurred to him that the robes hadn't been there before.

He stood up, glancing around. The place had a vague form, but in the brightness and light, it was hard to make out. Walls, seemingly, vague things that might have been tables but seemed to recede into mist, the faint scent of bacon that seemed to vanish as soon as it was dwelt upon.

Just like home, he decided.

Now what?

He was dead, he knew that. He'd been blind drunk, hit in the head by heavy lead balls, even tried a few things that were borderline illegal (for the sake of research, of course), but this was different. He vaguely remembered, now, his own laughter, a sharp, crushing pain across his body –

Merlin almighty, that was it. Percy had made a joke. Percy hadn't made a joke since he was… well.

So this was it. He was dead, and George was, most likely alive. Poor George… and poor Mum, too. She must be feeling terrible now, gaining and losing a son in the space of an hour…

"Hey."

George looked around and saw a familiar face looking down at him, high cheekbones and a cheeky yet melancholy smile, and bright pink, spiked hair.

"Tonks," he said quietly. "You died too, then?"

"I did," she sighed.

Fred paused for a moment. "Harry had better get this done with. If he dies, I'm going to stab him with a broomstick."

Tonks raised her eyebrows slightly. "Right."

Fred thought a little. "At least Teddy'll have Remus, right?"

"Ah…"

"He didn't!" Fred cried.

"Yeah, he did," Tonks sighed, and Fred groaned.

"Come on, he was one of the better teachers…"

"Indeed," Tonks said, flashing a cheeky grin.

They were silent for a moment, thinking.

"I don't think it's sunk in yet," Tonks said quietly, after a while.

"Me neither," Fred agreed. "Where do you think everyone else is?"

"Past the forest?" Tonks suggested.

"I don't see a forest," Fred commented.

"Well, what do you see?" Tonks asked curiously.

Fred glanced around again. "It's like the Burrow. This is the kitchen, the staircase is over there, the floo's there, the door outside's there –"

"That's where I see the forest," Tonks interrupted.

They were silent again.

"Do you think we have to go through?" Fred asked.

"Maybe," she agreed.

They lingered for a moment, before starting over to that side of the nothingness. As they moved, the air seemed to change, going from misty to cool, a slight breeze lifting the tips of their hair. It was pleasantly fresh compared to the slight humidity of where they'd begun. Fred reached out a hand to where the door seemed to be but felt nothing. He glanced at Tonks, who just shrugged helplessly. Looking back, he squared his shoulders and went to take a step forward.

"HEY! WAIT A BIT, WON'T YOU?"

The two spun around to see five figures standing behind them. Two Fred recognized, and the other two looked awfully familiar…

"Remus!" Tonks bounded over and jumped into her husband's arms, wrapping her own around his shoulders and pressing a kiss onto his cheek (the man next to him smirking and looking away pointedly). "Remus… oh, I'm sorry… I couldn't stand…"

"I know, Dora," the ex-professor sighed. "I know." He gently pressed his forehead against his wife's.

"Ew, get a room," Sirius snorted, and the redhead next to him smacked his head.

"Be nice! They both just died, for goodness sake!"

"Yeah," Clone-Of-Harry added. "Lils was just the same when she –" He stopped as 'Lils' turned and glared at him. "Shutting up now."

"You're Harry's parents," Fred realised.

James nodded. "Yeah."

"You don't look at old," Fred commented. "Nobody does."

"We died when we were twenty-one," Lily reminded him. "You're twenty."

"Ah," Fred replied awkwardly. "And…"

"Well, everyone prefers Remus when he's not creaking," James added.

"It's easier to be obnoxious as a young adult," was Sirius's explanation.

"Oh." Fred blinked at them, feeling oddly left out. "So… who's that?" He pointed to the fifth person, a silent, slightly batty-looking woman.

"Oh, this is Cassie," Sirius grinned.

"Greetings, Fred Weasley," Cassie said, voice high and quavering.

"Uh. Hi. Cassie."

"Cassandra is a Seer," Lily explained. "She sought us out about two years ago when Sirius kicked it. Needed to explain some _interesting_ things, right, _James?_ "

"Uh, yeah," James reached up, rubbing the back of his neck somewhat sheepishly. "So, uh, in our youth –"

"Our incredibly amazing, not-at-all-foolish youth," Sirius added.

Remus snorted. "Liar."

"In any case," James continued on, "We got bored one day, and, uh, _wemayormaynothavesoldWormtailtothedevil_."

"What?" Fred asked blankly.

"James and Sirius had the brilliant idea of having us all swear an oath," Remus drawled. "It was on our honour as Marauders. If we broke it, then the remaining people would go back and –" he made quote marks with his fingers, "— _wreak our vengeance on the Earth_. Of course, nobody bothered telling anyone else it was _binding_."

"We didn't know!" Sirius protested, as Tonks muffled her laughter in Remus's shoulder.

"How exactly does this involve selling _Wormtail_ to the devil? Sounds like hell… Come to think of it, how do you know who Wormtail is?"

Remus smacked his forehead. "Great job, James. We had agreed to wait until the novelty wore off!"

"Speak for yourself," Sirius said smugly.

Lily shook her head. "What these idiots are trying to say," she told Fred, "Is they are the Marauders."

Fred blinked in surprise. "Huh. Nice one, prof… hey, Harry never said anything! He knew, didn't he? Who's who, then?"

"Well," Sirius smirked. "Padfoot is the handsome one –"

"Obviously Remus, then," Lily muttered.

"Traitor!" James cried. "I'm stealing you as punishment."

"We're married, James."

"Well now we're more married!"

"I'm Moony," Remus volunteered, as James grabbed his wife around the waist and Sirius made some thoroughly annoying 'Ew' noises. "James is Prongs. Wormtail is Peter Pettigrew."

"The one –"

"Yeah, he was a mistake," Sirius groused. "Rat."

"So," Tonks asked, peeping over Remus's shoulder. "We were going through the door?'

"Ah, yeah, don't. Not yet, anyway," Sirius made a face. "Coming back's not a pleasant experience."

"They stuffed up," Lily explained, ignoring James, who had become akin to a backpack and was happily hanging off her shoulders. "They managed to write in a spouse bit, but never actually considered the implications of betrayal."

"Meaning," Remus explained, "We're not quite able to fully move on until we go back, _but_ , none of us can go back, because there are three Marauders, and the oath called for _four_."

"Oh," Fred said. "So you're taking Tonks?"

"Ehhh…" Sirius winced.

"They wrote in four _men,_ " Lily said, sounding disgruntled.

"Well, I know I wore a dress once – or twice – or every second Sunday in sixth year for the sake of McGonagall's lack of sanity – but we were men!" Sirius looked indignant.

"Actually," James piped up, "We did this when we were fourteen."

"So…" Fred raised an eyebrow.

"We need a fourth man," Sirius shot him a grin. "We get to move on, you get our company, we all get to wreak our vengeance on the measly living. You up for it?"

"You cannot go back yet," Cassandra piped up suddenly, "But you will, 17 years from now."

"There's always practice while we wait," James added. "I mean, sure, we accidentally sold Wormy to the devil, but Snivellus is here. And Avery, and Nott, and Mulciber, and Lestrange, and other Lestrange, and woman Lestrange –"

"Crazy cousins are fun to mess with," Sirius cackled. "Especially now we're all dead and she can't do anything."

"Will you be our fourth man, Fred?" Remus asked, considerably more calmly than either James or Sirius.

Fred thought for a bit. "Just for this? I need to get back to George when he… You know."

"Sure," Sirius said casually.

"We're not tying your down," James added.

"April of Fifth Year?" Remus reminded him.

"We can't do that rite, it needs a wand," Sirius pointed out.

"Just checking," the werewolf sighed.

"Wait, what?" Tonks whispered.

"Yeah. Okay," Fred nodded, first slowly, then more surely. "I'll be your fourth man."

"Great!" James rubbed his hands together (which was rather awkward, considering he was still dangling off Lily, who looked amusedly exasperated).

"Name time!" Sirius cheered. "What about Freckles? You don't have an animagus form, do you?"

"I – not Freckles," Fred growled, crossing his arms and Tonks sniggered. Damn Blacks.

"Wait a bit," Remus sighed. "We have 17 years."

"Let the training begin!" James cheered. "Now, about dragon's brains…"

* * *

 _17 years later_.

Teddy was slumped in his chair as the woman in front of him droned on and on. If she hadn't been just as old as Vicky's people, he would have sworn she was Uncle Harry's nemesis personified.

"Alright, Teddy?" Louise Carmichael whispered to him.

He didn't say anything, just pointed to his hair – a drab, dull grey-blonde. Louse made a sympathetic face and went back to her work, and Teddy went back to trying to stop his brain from forcibly ejecting itself through his ears.

"Is there something wrong, Mr Lupin?"

He jumped and shook his head hastily. Merlin almighty, she even had the simpering voice down pat. "No, Auror Peccancy," he replied in a monotone.

She 'hmmed' menacingly at him (and who knew a 4-foot woman in a horrible purple coat could hum in a threatening way?) but turned back to her lecture, continuing on about the dangers of the dark and Ministerial progress and (Teddy's fists clenched in his pockets) dangerous half breeds. Teddy was no lycan – he had howled at the moon once, and baby Lily Luna had thought it the most hilarious thing she'd ever heard – but with his mother's shapeshifting and his father's lycanthropy, he would be damned if he didn't consider himself a half-breed.

By the way Auror Peccancy acted around him (and Victoire! It wasn't like she could help the guys staring, though being brought up around Aunts Ginny, Angelina, and Hermione probably increased the injures she left around her – and Uncle Bill wasn't even a proper werewolf! He just ate like a bloody Frenchman!), she agreed with his self-assessment.

What had his parents died for, he wondered. What had Dad, and Mum, and Grandpa, Uncle Fred, and the pretty blonde girl whose picture hung in Aunt Hermione's office, and the grinning, camera wielding boy whose picture was in Aunt Ginny's, and the house elf Uncle Ron would go on about when drunk, and the dozens and dozens of people, old and young, in Uncle Harry's big book… what did they die for? Not this, surely?

He jumped to his feet as the bell rang on another useless lesson, and Teddy wondered for a fleeting moment if Jamie would let him borrow the cloak for a resurrection of Dumbledore's Army… but there was nothing solid to fight, no Dark Lord with a flattened face or crazed figures in ornate masks, just a huge wall of oppression and stiffness and hate.

Ignoring the people around him setting off for the Great Hall, Teddy turned and went the opposite way, towards the dorms. The house elves would feed him, if nobody else, and he didn't want to be around people at the moment. He wanted…

He sat down on the bed and pulled out a photo. Nobody knew who had taken it – perhaps one of the infinite mass of undiscernible names etched on the wall in the corner of the Ministry, or one of the smiling faces in Uncle Harry's book of memories. All Teddy knew was that it was the only photo of his birth family, whole and in one piece. Granny Dromeda, Grampa Ted, Mum, Dad, and little baby teddy, giggling and waving his fists at the camera, hair as bright blue as his mother's was pink. All smiling.

"What do I do, Mum?" he wondered. "What do I do, Dad?"

Because for all of Uncle Harry's avid stories, and Granny Dromeda's long tales of embarrassing exploits, and Uncle George (for some reason) preaching the subject as if it were holy, Teddy still couldn't hear his parent's voices, nor their advice. Sure, he could guess, but it wasn't the same as when he heard a mini-Hugo screeching 'Gross!' at two people making out in the common room, or hearing Uncle Bill's shovel talk in his mind before he'd even given it.

"Now what?" he asked the picture. "This isn't what the war happened for. You know how it'll be. Half-breeds first, then muggles and muggleborns, then half-bloods. I don't want you all to have died for nothing! I wanna… I dunno… just not that!"

"Kick her in the shins!" Lily Luna's voice cheered in his head.

"Just keep your head down," McGonagall's tired sigh echoed in his head. "I'm doing what I can. Please, don't give her an excuse."

"Petition against it," and "Fucking hell-bitch, who does she think she is? Tadpole-brained piece of bigoted troll snot, go—" overlapped in his head as a younger and an older Aunt Hermione both spoke up. Uncle Ron had rubbed off on her a little as they made a life together, and when she was angry, it _showed_ , much to the witch's embarrassment.

"I can't do any of that, though," Teddy mused. "I could replicate the Great Swamping of 1995 – but I'm not _that_ good. I'd get caught, and…"

"Teddy?"

He glanced around in shock, reaching for his wand, but it was a ghost, a translucent woman not even thirty. She was floating a quarter-inch off Justin Robinson's bed in a sitting position, long-ish yet somehow spiky hair cascading down her shoulders and clear, turquoise (weren't ghosts meant to be colourless?) eyes watching him. They seemed oddly teary. Teddy eyed her suspiciously. "This is a boy's dorm."

"Maybe it is," she said with a slightly wet giggle, "But girls can get into boy's dorms, re-mem-ber?"

"Not anymore," Teddy said slightly gloomily.

She narrowed her eyes, crossing her arms with a twitch of the lips. "Are those regrets I hear?"

"Not like that!" he cried hastily. "No, no, I'm not dumb enough to make the curse-breaker and his wife angry, Merlin, no – it's just – it's stifling, that's all."

The ghost nodded solemnly, watching him through a curtain of long hair, faintly tinted violet. "It's worse than we thought then."

Teddy didn't have much to say to this statement, and there was silence between the for a moment as the ghost watched him. Then, suddenly, she sniffled once, then burst out crying. "Oh, bugger! I said – I said I was going to be cool! Ah…"

"Erm…" Teddy watched in slight alarm. "Do I… should I, ah…"

"You've grown so much," the ghost continued, still sobbing, "And you've got a _girlfriend!_ I'm so proud of you, Teddy Remus Lupin, _so proud_ …"

"Dora?" a voice echoed through the dorm, and Teddy, who had been regarding the scene with wide, concerned, slightly perturbed eyes, snapped his head around as _another ghost_ drifted through the walls. This one, who had faintly brown hair and a pale scar across his nose, froze for a moment as he locked eyes with the only living person in the room, before walking (ghosts floated, they didn't walk, and it was definitely walking, even if he was also a quarter-inch off the ground) to the woman who was sniffling and scrubbing violently at her face. "Oh, Dora…"

"He's so BIG!" the young woman bawled, wrapping her arms around the man. "Look at him, Remus, LOOK!"

"I see," the man replied softly, sparing Teddy another glance (it was oddly gentle) as he gently wiped at the tears. "I see, love."

Something in Teddy's brain clicked into place.

"Uh…"

"Ah," Remus said. "Yes."

"H-hi, Teddy," Dora sniffed, smiling at him as _her hair retracted and became short and just slightly pink and her face shifted just slightly to become a little more handsome and –_

"M-mum? Dad?"

"Yeah," Dora – _Mum_ – said, watching him.

"But – B-but I thought…"

"We are," Remus said gently. "Nothing can change that."

"B-but… ghosts come back straight away!" Ted stared disbelieving at the couple. "A-and – surely you were older than – than this!"

His father flushed slightly. "Well…"

"Old man," his mother teased gently.

Remus buried his face, vaguely reddened, in his hands. " _This is not what I thought our first conversation would sound like._ "

"Y-you're back," Teddy mumbled quietly. His eyes were, suddenly, quite on fire. "You're back."

"Yes," Remus agreed, lifting his head slightly. "For a while, we're back."

"Why now?" Teddy whispered.

"Uh…"

Dora giggled. "Your father and his friends accidentally sold Pettigrew's soul to – the devil, or something."

"Pettigrew… the Death Eater?" Teddy asked disbelievingly, and his mother nodded, apparently trying not to laugh any more as her husband looked at her reproachfully.

"That one."

"S-so you're back?" Teddy asked desperately. "Y-you'll stay?"

"We have a job to do," his father said quietly. "A job that involves avenging the consequences of a betrayal."

"S-so…"

"Yes. Eventually, we'll have to go."

Everything was going blurry. "Oh, baby," Dora sighed, and he saw her vague shape float over and sit next to him. "We'll be here as long as we can, I promise."

"You w-will?"

"Of course we will," his father agreed. "We wouldn't dream of doing anything else."

To Teddy's surprise, he found himself enveloped in a three-way hug. It was freezing cold, but a hug all the same. "What… are you?"

His mother hummed in thought. "Not ghosts, but…"

"Not alive, certainly," his father added.

"No. And not quite poltergeists, either…"

"Something in between," Teddy finished quietly.

The hug grew tighter.

Teddy took a breath. "Auror Peccancy is just like Uncle Harry's teacher from fifth."

"Oh, we know," his mother said coldly.

"Very well," his father agreed, intentionally lightly.

Teddy was surprised. "Her?"

"The Marauders were betrayed for prejudice," Remus said stiffly. "We can't exactly go back and torment Peter, but…"

"She won't go without a fight," Teddy warned them.

He could almost hear the evil smiles. "Well," his mother said. "I hope not."

"As do I," his father agreed.

Teddy took a deep breath. "What do you need? Can I help?"

* * *

George awoke to chaos. Harry was white as a sheet, Ginny and Ron were in shock, Hermione was squealing happily, Angelina was drinking firewhiskey straight from the bottle, and the kids were blinking in confusion, especially Fred, who was being squeezed half to death by –

FRED?!

George fainted again.

"Aw, bugger," Fred I grumbled to Fred II. "I wanted to make the holey joke."

* * *

"Er…"

"I mean, we can see some things, sure," the translucent redhead was explaining, "But only some things. It's really quite unreliable, like Defence teachers."

"But – how –"

"Well, you've got my smashing looks, haven't you?" the man with the spectacles beamed. "Just like Harry!"

"Actually," the redhead mused, "Isn't that brown hair?"

"Details!"

"Er…"

"James," Warwick McAllister asked, poking his head around the door, "Why are there two ghost – people – things – hugging you?"

"THEY NAMED YOU JAMES?!"

"…we talked about this, sweetie…"

"O-kay," Warwick decided. "Leaving now."

"Bye," James II said weakly.

* * *

"I swear," the old man said hysterically, "I swear I've seen Sirius Black down the alley!"

The Auror pinched the bridge of his nose. "Sir," Dean explained tiredly, "Sirius Black was killed 19 years ago. In any case, he was posthumously cleared of charges, so it's really not –"

"I SAW HIM!" the man yelled out. "I SAW SIRIUS BLACK!"

"Sir, please," Dean groaned. "You are in no danger."

"HEY!"

Dean turned around to see a familiar face barging into the office, still carrying a large box of explosives. "Hey, Dean!"

Apparently, unlike many other war veterans, Seamus's calling wasn't in the Auror force, Ministry, or teaching profession. No, Seamus figured he may as well put his fiery spellwork to good use as a Magical Threats Eliminator and Explosives Expert (You find it, I'll blow it up!). He also happened to bear a perpetually good mood these days, except when people brought up the state of the administration, at which point he would mutter darkly about 'using his face as a knife-sharpener for what, huh?'

"Mr Finnigan," Dean sighed. "It's Auror Thomas while I'm at work."

"Yeah, love, whatever," Seamus waved his hand, causing the box to tilt alarmingly. "You'll never guess."

Dean sighed. "Sirius Black has returned from the dead?"

"What? No. It's just his ghost, gallivanting round the alley. Have you been drinking on the job, eh?"

Dean repressed the violent urge to hit his head against the nearest hard object as the hysterical old wizard started screaming. Again.

* * *

"This is a terrible idea," Molly grumbled.

"This is a brilliant idea," Lucy argued.

"Lucy's right," James nodded seriously.

"We're going to die," Dominique decided, "But we'll do it with style."

"Ugh," Louis grumbled. "It doesn't matter if we get killed, this place is turning into a dump, anyway."

"Alright, get in line," Teddy sighed. "No – Molly, stop, please – James, what are you – Victoire, give me a hand, won't you?"

Victoire laughed. "I've been trying to get my lot in line for 15 years, Teddy, what makes you think I can do it now?"

"I thought the point was to be out of line," Lucy mumbled confusedly.

"Everyone's going to think we're dark wizards," Molly grumbled.

"Hiss hiss, fuckers," Louis sniffed.

"Louis! Don't curse!" Dominique grumbled.

Louis straightened his green tie. "It means 'I love you all' in Parseltongue."

James sniggered. "Dad never taught us that…"

"I'm no liar," Louis said seriously.

"Sure," Lucy rolled her eyes.

"Molly's right," Teddy groaned, hair turning a sickly green. "We're going to fluff this up."

"Oh, for Morgaine's sake," Victorie huffed. "Follow me!" Striding through the entrance hall with the rest of the clan following behind her, she kicked open the doors to the Great Hall with a loud bang (thank you, strength potions) and bellowed, "THE GHOSTS OF THE PAST COME TO AVENGE THE SINS OF THE LIVING!"

As if on cue (because it was, and for once, nobody had been too drunk or on a sugar high or busy mooning over a pretty girl so they could miss the signal), six ghost-poltergeist-human-things popped out of the walls and started swooping around the room.

Well, four did. Two popped out the walls and glared disapprovingly at the staff table. An honest to goodness poltergeist also showed up for old times' sake.

"I didn't go through the bother of getting married, dying pathetically, and that _Merlin-be-damned mandrake leaf_ for this _Merlin-be-damned crap_ to bother my legacy! They have a reputation to keep up!" James yelled, throwing a large bottle of ink at the freshly appointed Hogwarts Chief Investigator (because honestly, even after kicking Kingsley, the ministry wasn't dumb enough to use 'High Inquisitor' again) before turning into a ghost stag and kicking the soup halfway across the hall in a rain of chicken and leek.

"You are a DISGRACE to the name of Auror," Tonks informed the Chief Investigator, before coating half of Ravenclaw in pink paint. "See, this is why I was never a prefect, have fun washing that off," she added, before swooping over to a large, otherwise unnoticed bucket of glitter.

"I," Fred said, taking a small box from the bag a resigned Molly was holding out, "Managed to die laughing at a joke from my brother Percy, who, by the way, if you haven't met him, has the sense of humour of a cabbage. Thank you, Molly, dear, you're my favourite niece now." He unlatched the box and, hovering less than a foot out of reach of everyone, threw it out the door (Dominique ducked) and into the entrance hall, where it fell over and became a muddy swamp. "If I had known you lot were going to supress the life, I would have gone out a better way! Pass me one of the smaller ones, Molly dear, I bet I can turn Gryffindor into a desert."

"I can FLY NOW, SUCKERS!" Sirius yelled, playing something that was a cross between tennis, Quidditch, and arson with Peeves over the heads of some (borderline excited, borderline terrified) Hufflepuff underclassmen.

"…I'd like to say you disturbed my eternal rest. I had a traumatic enough death," Lily grumbled. "So thanks a bunch, you've been really helpful, I didn't touch the Chamber of Secrets –"

"We painted Myrtle's entire bathroom blue and bronze. And the hallway. Also part of the corridor is invisible. Or maybe missing. We're not sure," James II said with a goofy grin. "Gran's cooler than she says she is."

"This was a terrible idea," Remus groaned, as James the Stag pinched someone's homework and set about convincing Sirius to eat it. "Why can't we have gone with invert-the-hall-flood-the-bathrooms-glitter-in-every-carpet-everyone-who-walks-down-staircase-three-grows-rabbit-ears?"

"Because none of us could manage it," Victoire sighed. "We're not the Weasley-Johnsons."

"Dad," Teddy asked (his voice did not shake, it had been three days, he was fine, FINE), "Do we get to kick food around too? Auror Peccancy has been telling us we're unworthy to breed for _ages_."

"Wait, WHAT?"

"An overly complex revenge plan was just spontaneously created," Lily sighed.

"I'm taking that as a yes…" Teddy hesitantly picked up a chicken leg. "Uh…"

Dominique took it off him. "Just throw it, silly. And change the hair, it's nearly grey, you look like you're your own father." She hurled the chicken leg across the room, where it hit Julia Wood in the face. "See?"

"FOOD FIGHT, HELL YEAH! Vinamenti!" James I yelled, brandishing James II's wand.

"James Potter, you can't throw wine around children, really – ah, stuff it," Lily sighed, lifting Lucy's wand and sending a hail of murder-swans crashing around the room, swooping everything they saw move.

"I don't know whether to be proud or worried," the headmistress sighed to the herbology teacher.

"Both, maybe," Neville sighed.

Minerva groaned. "This is going to take weeks, isn't it?"

"It did last time. Hey, at least it's not the Carrows." He grinned impishly, an old scar becoming apparent on his cheek, before he subtly flicked his wand and watched as the broccoli grew into a full sized plant and promptly started walking around.

"We're doomed," Molly sighed to Victoire, examining the last box in the bag as Fred swooped out, arms full and cackling about 'Astronomy tower' and 'Trick Staircase' and 'Corridor of Most Horrible Death'. She turned the box over, flicking open the clasp. "So, what do you think about putting an extension of the forest outside Hagrid's hut?

"HISS HISS, FUCKERS!" Louis yelled.

* * *

"Evening, Albus," Louis smiled. "Welcome to the best house."

"Hey," Albus murmured. "This is Scorpius."

"Hello," Scorpius waved.

"Nice to meet you," Louis smiled. "Remember the house motto – 'hiss hiss, fuckers'. Don't forget, the Ravens have 'caw caw, intellectually disadvantaged peasants' and we don't want them to get one over us."

A few eavesdropping students sniggered. Albus and Scorpius, however, were looking curiously around the room. Eventually, Albus voiced the question. "Why is that wall red and gold?"

Louis shrugged. "Side effect of The Visit."

"Ah," Albus nodded, while Scorpius looked confused.

"What's The Visit?"

"You know when we were nine, how Auror Peccancy was kicked out and had to go to St Mungo's for intensive mind repair?"

"Uh?"

"I'm proud to have helped," Louis grinned. "Although, to be fair, it was Moony and Gemini forcing everyone to walk along the walls instead of the floors while the entire castle was flooded with lake water that made her snap. She's a permanent resident in the ward now. Last I heard, she had started a relationship with Gilderoy Lockhart."

"Oh," Scorpius said. "That sounds… interesting."

"It was," Albus said wistfully. "I missed out by 2 years is all."

"If you want," Louis offered, "We have a compiled list of, uh, 'souvenirs' still floating around the school. Not all of it could be fixed, you know."

"I… guess," Albus said, remembering the stares and thinking a long look at something stupid might do him some good.

"Great!" Louis handed him a huge sheet of parchment. "So."

"So."

"Right here," Louis began, pointing to a second-floor staircase, "The stairs have permanently been turned into slides. You probably saw, in the entrance hall, there's a sort of marshy extension to the lake that goes all the way up to the door, and in sometimes after a lot of rain? That's from the very first day. Now, here on the fourth floor, there's the shadow of a Hufflepuff who got hit by a large bucket of glitter – we never got the glitter off the wall, it took three months to come off poor Stacey. Here, there's a magical cassette tape of the day saying the words 'McGonagall' and 'catnip' within an hour of each other would cause you to speak in sonnets for the rest of the day; here, part of the hallway is still invisible, you can lean against the wall and feel like you're going to fall out of the castle; here, Sir Cadogan still has a massive moustache, he wouldn't give it up; here…"

**_The End_ **

**Author's Note:**

> All in all, a thoroughly good ending for something that was kick-started by accidentally selling out your former friend to Satan.


End file.
